Sex expert Siski Green shares her tips for what men like in bed. If you’d like to up the ante on how much pleasure you give your partner, read on.
Men are always being told to spend more time exploring other parts of a woman’s body but the same advice could be given to women – it’s easy to think of him as a walking penis, but in reality, there are lots of other body parts that he’ll enjoy having stimulated.
Play with his nipples, sucking on them then blowing on them for extra stimulation; explore his chest and abdomen with your hands; squeeze his behind; and caress his skin from top to toe, to make sure all his nerve endings are on fire for your touch.
Not only does grabbing his bottom give you more control of his thrusting pattern and speed, it’ll also feel great for him. By grabbing his behind the skin around the anus and below the penis gets pulled, stimulating nerve endings there.
Feeling his bottom will also give you a clue as to when he’s getting closer to orgasm because he’ll clench his muscles just before climax, allowing you to either keep doing whatever you’re doing so he orgasms or holding off so he lasts longer.
Whether you’re giving him oral sex, handling his penis, or enjoying penetrative sex lubrication of some kind makes everything feel better.
For oral sex, try swirling an ice cube around in your mouth before you go down on him (removing it first). This helps stimulate your own oral moisture (aka your spit) and via the coldness, and then the warmth of your mouth, you’ll stimulate more nerve endings in his penis.
For penetrative sex, try using a silicon-based lubrication which will make it easier for him to penetrate you and allow for more sensuous moves.
He can’t read your mind – tell him when you’re enjoying what he’s doing by using words, “That feels great,” or even simply, “Yes,” is enough to give him the right clues. Ideally, you’ll communicate even more than that – telling him to go slower, faster, further up or down or in a different place altogether.
Men love instructions especially if they’re given in a loving way because it means they can give you more pleasure. If you can’t use words to communicate, use soft moaning to let him know when something feels good.
Not the one on top of his neck, the one at the tip of his penis. This is where most of the nerve endings are and so this is where you need to focus your attention if you’re giving him oral pleasure.
Use your hand on the shaft of his penis, as you use your mouth on the head, swivelling your tongue and mouth around it and over it to stimulate him fully.
Taking deep breaths not only relaxes you, it also helps get oxygenated blood flowing around your body. You’re far more likely to orgasm as a result.
Tense muscles and feeling stressed aren’t conducive to orgasm, and you need lots of oxygenated blood to reach your penis or vulva if you’re to get fully aroused too.
Sharing your sexiest dreams is a great way to get more of what you want in bed and try new things too. But if you can’t think of ideas on your own, you can read parts of an erotic book to each other.
“It can be difficult to express fantasies but by reading it from a book it becomes less embarrassing and can lead to dramatically new ideas of what to do,” says sex therapist
If you always have sex with the light on, turn it off. If you always gaze into each others’ eyes, try wearing a blindfold of some kind.
“By changing the way you usually have sex, you’ll become aware of other senses – sight, sound, touch, taste – that can also create intense feelings of arousal,” says Kerner.
“You can try using massage oils to amplify the feeling of touching each other, or even something more adventurous like chocolate-flavoured body paint, for example!”
One of the best ways to get into a sexy mindset is a bit of competitive sport – a game of singles tennis or squash with your partner would be ideal, but it doesn’t need to be as physical as that.
“Challenge your partner to a chess game or cards, whatever you both enjoy, but up the stakes,” says Kerner. “So for example whoever wins gets to enjoy their favourite sex act immediately afterwards.”
If you’ve been with your partner for a while you may have discovered a pattern of moves that works really well… but the downside of that is that you avoid doing other moves that may not bring him or her to orgasm so quickly and that leads to a lacklustre sex life.
“You may know that oral sex is the most effective way to get you to orgasm,” says Kerner, “but don’t let that stop you trying stimulating yourself with other body parts and sex toys. While they may not get you to orgasm so quickly, you might find they bring you a different type of orgasm if you give yourself the time to explore.”
Sex puts a sparkle in your eye and a glow in your cheeks, what’s more it even counts as exercise. Find out how sex can be good for your health.
People who have sex at least three times a week can look up to 10 years younger than those who make love less frequently, according to Dr David Weeks of the Royal Edinburgh Hospital.
Weeks’ study of more than 3,500 people aged between 18 to 102 concluded that genetics were only 25 per cent responsible for how young we look – the rest is down to behaviour.
Dr Weeks says this is partly because sex in women helps trigger the production of a human growth hormone that helps them keep their youthful looks.
Sex also pumps oxygen around the body, boosting the circulation and the flow of nutrients to the skin.
And, of course, being in a sexual relationship can in itself be a good incentive to look after your appearance and stay in shape.
Estimates of the number of calories you can burn off during lovemaking vary, but there’s no doubt that sex does constitute something of a workout, raising the heart rate and pumping oxygen around the body.
“On a basic level, sex is exercise, which is good for everybody,” explains Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist with Relate.
“It’s good for blood pressure, muscle tone and the cardiovascular system. It also produces hormones, which are good for restoring tissue.”
Lovers should also take note that more exercise can make for better sex too. Several studies have shown that regular exercise helps to improve sexual function and satisfaction levels
Sex triggers the release of chemicals and hormones in the body that can relieve stress and pain, as well as making for better relationships.
“Sex is a brilliant stress reliever and releases pain-killing endorphins,” explains Paula Hall.
“It also helps both chemically and psychologically to keep a couple’s relationship alive. This is because sex produces oxytocin, a chemical linked with pair bonding that helps to produce strong feelings of affection between couples.”
The lack of positive images in the media may lead some people to feel that they are ‘past it’ when it comes to sex. But the fact is that your sexual life can markedly improve with the years.
“As you age, you have to learn to adapt to your sex life,” says Paula Hall.
“But sexual wisdom and sexual knowledge are likely to improve considerably with age and you are likely to be less inhibited. Sexual performance does change, but sexual intimacy can get better and better.”
Where you probably once worried about getting erections at the wrong times (in public places, while kissing a new girlfriend and so on), now you worry about not getting one when you need it!
While erectile dysfunction is what most people associated with ageing, sex and men, it isn’t as common as you might think – according to research on persistent erectile dysfunction, as opposed to a one-off occasion, only 4% of men in their fifties and 17% of those in their sixties suffer with it.
That said, researchers believe the main causes of ED are physical – specifically the body’s inability to pump blood around the body efficiently, resulting in a flaccid penis. So if you’ve been diagnosed with heart disease, you are at higher risk.
You may have been gasping for it 24-7 when you were younger and you might find it worrying that you’re not thinking about sex every second anymore, but it’s perfectly natural.
“It’s not that your libido is in trouble, it’s more often that you are enjoying other aspects of your life more,” says Kerner. “So, for example, you might get a thrill out of travelling to exotic places, or deep satisfaction from playing golf. It doesn’t mean you’ve gone off sex, just that your priorities have changed.”
It’s not just that you’re getting old and so want to get to bed earlier, it’s also because not being able to get a good night’s sleep reduces your desire for sex.
“Being tired is a far more important factor in sexual desire and libido than ageing in itself,” says Kerner. “So if you’re one of the many people who find it harder to get a good night’s sleep after you’ve hit retirement, you may also find this has a negative impact on your sex life.”
Well, it depends on how you define enjoyment but research consistently shows that older couples report more sexual satisfaction than their younger counterparts.
“Usually this is down to being more relaxed about your body, its functions and what you enjoy,” says Kerner. “It might not seem logical but younger adults, with their youthful good looks, are often more insecure about how they look and feel than those who are older.” Feeling secure in your body is key to having great sex so enjoy that confidence!