1+1=?
October 28, 2022
And Now What?
November 7, 2022
Friendship , Another Level
Friends, it’s great to have friends, it’s like having a brother you can trust to talk about something very personal. You go out together you are having fun you almost share the same interests even you cry in front of your friend. ‘
You know each other inner out and when they go you miss them when you see them you ate happy to see them. If you don’t see them for some time they are still inside your head and you know anytime you call them no matter what your friend is going to be there for you friends.
Hold on all you sound familiar, it feels like we are in love with our friends, no we have we not just loved them and you think about it all day and there you are conclusion we are in love with our friends all the symptoms are there.
Calm down you think to yourself I love him, but he is not my lover, he is just a friend, and if your friend it happens to be the opposite sex then it gets more confused and this is where the big mistake can happen and you can spoil your friendship
Sometimes we want things our way and we can’t have them then we become angry and we get obsessed until we have them our way but it shoukdn’t be like this.
Other times we feel lonely and because our friend is there in our nind we change the status of the friendship to relationship to love or brotherhood and we get confused.
When confused the sdrenaline kicks ll time high n we fntqize and crete stories ib order to stisfy oursellves make the loneliness less lonely and move on.
We intend to play little mind games with ourselves and somehow things work our way better and we can sleep at night where in reality things re different
Why do we have to make things harder? When is simple situation but we do we create situations where there is none we add problems to a friendship when you dont have to and by doing so we push friends away and we become aliens
I guess most people confuse friendship with love because they are thinking in drawers.
Yet they do not understand that their concept of friendship is a rather material and conservative one.
If they understood that they don`t have to switch any lane to turn love to friendship or otherwise, they just have to open up their relationship, as the only difference between friendship and love is that what we put into it.
AS a side note I also know the “Let`s be friends.” or “I don`t want to harm our friendship.” quotes coming from people that have the emotional matureness of a piece of cheese.
If those people had the maturity to reflect on their emotions and tell their “friends” how they feel and where the limits to trust and affection are, those awkward situations won`t occur. They would say:
Here is a story of a friend not me this time but a friends. He/she was confused about the friendship relationship they had and asking the same questions, confussion can cause paranoia sometimes and misunderstanding is easy to take place.
This happens all the time and I can explain this phenomenon through the use of my model for love.
If you imagine that your love is a tiny ball of light in the center of you and that you know that this little ball of light is the source of life.
Without it, you would no longer be alive. As you develop, you build walls around your light to protect it. You build a lot of these walls over time.
Though these are figurative walls made from psychological mechanisms, they do the same thing: protect the contents (i.e. your love) from harm.
But the biggest problem in life is that we have learned as a species that life is richest when your love is closest to someone else’s love. You can get more accomplished and everything feels better.
If you look closer at these walls, however, you will see that they aren’t solid. In fact, there are lots of holes in them.
They protect your love just fine, but somehow that light inside of you shines through. And we are all attracted to that light.
Occasionally, when your layers line up just right and someone else’s layers line up just right, there is a quick glimpse of the pure love inside of the other person. This is very exciting and motivates you to move closer to that person.
Quickly you realize that your shells are bumping into each other so you remove a shell. Now you are closer. Then they remove a shell. Closer still
I may get to the romance shells before you do and suddenly, I assume that you are at the same place as I am.
This is because you only have a connection with your love—not theirs. To be honest, you never have any clue how many or what kind of shells another person has.
You can tell relatively that you are closer, but there’s no way to know for sure.
So after I discard my shells that protect my romance layers, I try something romantic. If you are not at the same layers and perhaps you have had a bad romantic experience in the past, you could defend yourself.
You then pull back because you were still at the platonic layers. This can cause problems, but only if you let it.
For the person feeling romantic feelings, they need to build a new protection layer around their romantic feelings and withdraw slightly.
The romantic feelings will still be there, but their conscious mind needs to be sure that the other person makes the first romantic gesture if you get closer.
This is where relationships can be built.
You realize the limits of your ability to express love to that person and you stick with them. They do the same. Then, through communication, you build the trust to get past those layers or you don’t
My friend happen to be overseas we speak very little not very often and I do know if I am in trouble he will help me , although he is far away he can’t physicalky help me when I want him here but mentally he is or so I was thinking and hoping but I discover the truth recently.
And because we are made to interact this way, we humans who need constant approval of our actions and interactions (we have become conditioned to be this way unfortunately), any finger we get to hold, we grab the hand instead.
He is not and I still love him as a friend but I came to realise that he is not the friend I hope he was or is. and that make me feel bitter about the relationship we had and I decided to give up on the friendship .
Am I right or wrong I don’t give uo easily but I have no choice here I did the best i could do I try to be closer to my friiend but by trying I achieve the opposite I push him away. I didn’t realise how much I push and somehow I destroy a friendship
You may wonder what have i done ? i will tell you parts of itmaybe by doing so I will remind myself where did I go wrong or maybe i am not wrong and he is . I don’t want to put the blame in anyone maybe things meant to be this way
Because it is all the same. It`s just a matter of how deep the relationship goes. People do everything for their best friends, find friends in an instant as fast as they fall in love. They vow friedship and close friends are often a part of the family too.
I guess this goes back to the ancient times where there was no deep thinking about if the affection you felt for the other walking apes was actually a friendship or love.
Back then it was just the question of who to mate with and who not to mate with. Everything else was a matter of bonds.
Just look at Platon and his concept of love. He was so confused by the matter of sex that truly following the concept of love was englitghening those that broke free from sexual affection (Eros).
Following this, love broken free from sexual connotations is not just another form of friendship. With todays methods of contraception there are also some forms of friendship that involve sexuality.
There are friends with benefits or play partners. With people sharing trust and affection on a certain level that even involves sexuality
”Barry, I like to spend time with you and I appreciate your jokes. But I am also glad that I don`t spend all my time with you, as there are parts of me that you might not notice,
who likes to go to bars and dance and find a guy I don`t know and feel excited about a stranger wanting me. While you make me feel at home and safe. I have this image of you in my head that is hard to come by.
Maybe you can show me that you are more than what I know about you. That you are passionate, romatic and a great dancer and I was just to used to being around you to notice.
I don`t want to you to feel alienated by my uncertainty or the parts of me that want more from the people closest to me. I want you to be near me the way I am used to, as you give stability to my life.
Yet, I don`t want to abuse you and therefor we will talk about the bad girl side of me and what she wants, okay?
And after that you tell me about the bad guy in you…and who knows, maybe they like each other?”
Pretty soon, you have both agreed to remove shells rapidly as you are getting closer and closer to that source of love. It’s like you are out of control…this is why we call it falling in love.
But eventually, you get to a layer that you cannot remove. Perhaps that layer aggressively defends the love inside of you. The closer you pull someone into it, the more likely they will get hurt.
And when we get hurt, we recoil and build a shell around our love informed by the thing that hurt us. This happens to everyone.
It’s how we stay alive. We protect the love inside of us at all costs. Even if that hurts someone we feel closer to than anyone else.
These shells, when analayzed as an entire unit, have different levels of intimacy. For most, but not all, physical intimacy is an early shell.
We learn from a young age not to show our physical selves to others, especially genitalia. In fact, we develop an entire collection of shells that are devoted to protecting us sexually.
Another layer of shells we develop in intimacy encompasses romance. The thing that makes us want to give gifts and have romantic dinners is protected against by our brain. We don’t expose that portion to just anyone.
So what can happen from time to time is that these two people who are stripping away their protections and getting more and more intimately familiar with each other arrive at different places when the defenses kick back in
Either way, you are still able to be as intimate as you were before you found this limit. It’s still a loving relationship.
Unfortunately, what often happens is that we get to this point and the person who is further behind in removing shells gets offended and starts building more and more shells to get the other person out.
They are scared and haphazardly try to reassemble their old shells. It can be embarrassing and painful for that person. But it doesn’t have to be.
In fact, if you realize that the love you feel is your love and you see someone pulling away, let them and do so lovingly. Understand why they are doing it and support them by letting them push you out.
If you do this and they see that you are not pushing them out, it makes it harder to justify. Suddenly, they will realize that these haphazardly reassembled shells aren’t needed.
You are still going to be the same loving person that you were before. There is still love to be shared and it doesn’t have to be risky or painful.
Love is a powerful thing and we have so many complicated rules that define how and to whom we express the love we have.
If we can just understand that love is yours and only yours, that you can love someone if they don’t love you back, we can change the world.
Express love with all that you have and have faith that you will protect your love from harm. It’s a brighter light than you know.
G.I.T.C
