You have the Right to Be Wrong
As a gay man sometimes I look back and see how other gay men behave i must say i feel ashamed, we keep failing ourselves and we make ourselves look so stupid to others i am not surprised why the straight society does not take us seriously
How do we learn from our mistakes and we better ourselves? here is some samples to keep you going.Acknowledge Your Errors. Ask Yourself Tough Questions. Make A Plan. Make It Harder To Mess Up. Create A List Of Reasons Why You Don't Want To Make The Mistake Again. Move Forward With Your New-Found Wisdom.
Think back to the last mistake that you made at work. Even if it was a minor one, like spilling coffee on a document seconds before you were due to present it, you'll likely have felt a rush of panic and then had the inconvenience of putting things right.
When we don't learn from our mistakes, we inflict unnecessary stress on ourselves and on others, and we risk losing people's confidence and trust in us. In this article, we look at how to ensure that we take those lessons on board, and then use what we learn.
Own Your Mistakes
You can't learn anything from a mistake until you admit that you've made it. So, take a deep breath and admit to yours, and then take ownership of it. Inform those who need to know, apologize and tell them that you're working on a solution.
Saying "sorry" takes courage, but it's far better to come clean than to hide your error or, worse, to blame others for it. In the long run, people will remember your courage and integrity long after they've forgotten the original mistake. If, however, they hear of it from another source, your reputation will suffer and you may not get another opportunity to learn.
Reframe the Error
How you view your mistakes determines the way that you react to them, and what you do next. Chances are, you'll view your error in a purely negative light for as long as any initial shock and discomfort about it persists. But, if you can reframe your mistake as an opportunity to learn, you will motivate yourself to become more knowledgeable and resilient.
When you've acknowledged your mistake, think about what you could do to prevent it from happening again. For example, if you didn't follow a process properly, consider introducing a more robust checklist or a clearer process document.
Stop beating yourself up, pause for a moment to reflect, and start thinking about how you can gain from the situation.=
Put Lessons Learned Into Practice
The danger at this stage is that work pressures force you back to your routine tasks and habitual behaviors. The lessons that you identified in Step 3 could languish, unfulfilled, as mere good intentions. In other words, learning lessons is one thing, but putting them into practice is quite another!
Chances are, acting on what you've learned will require the discipline and motivation to change your habits , or to change the way that your team works. Doing so will help you to avoid self-sabotage in the future, and will allow you to reap the rewards and benefits of implementing better work practices
Here, you need to identify the skills, knowledge, resources, or tools that will keep you from repeating the error.
Do so with care, though, because "quick fixes" will likely lead to further mistakes. Any actions that you take to implement your learning need to be enduring, and something that you can commit to.
If your mistake was a minor or a personal one, personal goal and action plans will lay the groundwork for implementing the lessons you've learned. They can give you a timescale to work to, and a list of the tasks that you'll need to complete.
The specific tools that you use from there on will depend on the particular lessons that you need to put into practice. For example, if you learned that a mistake occurred because of your forgetfulness, aides-mémoire or greater attention to detail could help. If you found that your organizational skills
were below par, digital planners and spreadsheets would be useful. Or, if you discovered that an error occurred because of a cross-cultural misunderstanding, your communication skills might need a polish.
If the mistake was more organizational than personal, you may need to implement your learning in a more far-reaching way. Writing clearer procedures , for example, could help to ensure that more gets done without mistakes.
Understanding Zenger and Folkman's 10 Fatal Leadership Flaw could help to tackle errors from the top. In fact, not learning from mistakes is one of the 10 flaws, and providing clear and specific feedback is one way to counter this flaw.
Honesty is a facet of moral character that connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness, straightforwardness, including straightforwardness of conduct, along with the absence of lying, cheating, theft, etc. Honesty also involves being trustworthy, loyal, fair, and sincere.
Honesty is valued in many ethnic and religious cultures. "Honesty is the best policy" is a proverb of Edwin Sandys, while the quote "Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom" is attributed to Thomas Jefferson, as used in a letter to Nathaniel Macon.April 30 is national Honesty Day in the United States.
Others have noted, however, that "too much honesty might be seen as undisciplined openness". For example, individuals may be perceived as being "too honest" if they honestly express the negative opinions of others, either without having been asked their opinion, or having been asked in a circumstance where the response would be trivial.
This concern manifests in the concept of political correctness, with individuals refraining from expressing their true opinions due to a general societal condemnation of such views.
Are We Prepared to Pay the Price of Honesty?
For many of us, it is important that the people around us are honest. We want to be able to trust what we hear. Conversely, when we are around people that we don't think are honest it can have a big effect on us. However, are we really ready to pay the price of honesty?
To live in a world where people are honest with each other is an ideal that many people aspire to. They have been betrayed, lied to and misled at times in their life and this often causes great pain and damage.
It also causes the erosion of trust so that it is harder to trust people in the future. For many people, this is the greatest loss they suffer through the dishonesty of others – their ability to trust others.
yet we find our own honesty hard
This means no more gilding the lily, little white lies or protecting people from the truth.
It means saying what is true even when it's hard and even when it only makes things worse. It is not, however, a license to always give your opinion. Truth and opinion are not the same.
We need to be brave to hear the unvarnished truth
The second consequence of living honestly is being brave enough to hear the truth. This means opening ourselves up and being resilient. Only when others see that we can bear honesty can we expect to hear it from them.
and determined enough to seek it
The third consequence of living honestly is being brave enough to seek the truth. When we start to seek the truth, we don't know what we will find but we must be prepared for anything. We may be less comfortable with the truth than we are with the lie but at least the truth gives us something to work with.
Therapy is a close encounter with the truth
Starting a process of psychotherapy is starting the process of being truthful about yourself; of seeing yourself as you really are, of responding to what your real needs are, and of seeking the truth in others. It's not easy, but it has the potential to be immensely rewarding. The price of honesty is high, but so are the rewards.
Honesty, Privacy, And Shame: When Gay People Talk About Other Gay People to Nongay People Gay People to Nongay People
There is a longstanding convention among lesbians and gay men'in the United States: Do not reveal the sexuality of a gay person to aheterosexual person; unless you are certain that the gay person doesnot regard his sexuality as a secret. Lie if necessary to protect her se-cret. Violating the convention by "outing" another person is widely considered a serious social sin
Many gay people view the convention as protecting closeted gaypeople's right of privacy. A few reject it as resting on outmoded, evenharmful, notions that it is shameful to be gay.
This essay describes theconvention in operation and its justification in an era in which moreand more gay people believe that the most important agent for re-ducing both officially sanctioned and private intolerance toward gaypeople is to increase the number of people known to be gay.
The outing of politicians and celebrities in gay magazines andother news media has been written about extensively elsewhere. Our subject is somewhat different. We write about the conventionas it applies in the context of conversations between individualsabout acquaintances, friends, and the person next door.
We focuson the outing of ordinary people by other ordinary people because the day-to-day lies openly gay people tell to protect friends and ac-quaintances often place the tellers in a personal ethical quandary.Moreover, in cumulative effect these little lies seriously limit thenumber of persons known to be gay.
We conclude that the conven-tional notions of "rights" and "privacy" are not helpful in thinkingabout the issues outing poses. We also conclude, however, that fornow gay people should continue to adhere to the convention of si-lence.
Honesty is not yet the best policy. A wiser policy at this point isfor openly gay people to press closeted gay people more aggressively toreveal themselves as gay.
HE CONVENTION OF SILENCE
We can find no empirical research on the degree to which gaypeople actually adhere to a convention of silence and deception or onthe ways they honor or evade it.
We report here simply on the con-vention as we understand it from our own experiences, fromconversations with others about their experiences, and from the writ-ings of others about their own experiences of the convention.
Whenwe use the term "convention," we mean an expected pattern of be-havior"--expected both in the sense that the behavior is predictableand anticipated and in the sense that it is required as a matter of goodmanners or good morals.
Among gay people, silence about the sexual-ity of others is thus "expected" in much the same way that two peopleeach "expect" the other to show up when they have agreed to meet at acertain time.
To understand the convention in common operation, considerOliver Sipple in a more ordinary context than the celebrated event forwhich he is known.
If a lesbian acquaintance of his, call her Paula, sawSipple at a gay pride parade and later talked to a straight friend ofSipple's, the convention would require Paula to keep silent about anyinformation that might lead to inferences about Sipple's sexuality. IfSipple's name came up in the conversation, Paula might have to lie:"No, I haven't seen him lately."
Or, if she were quick enough, shemight be truthful but misleading or incomplete: "Yes, I bumped intohim on the street a few weeks ago." In certain circumstances, Paula might even be called upon to dissemble about her own sexuality. If,for example, Paula and Sipple were talking on a street corner and acolleague of Sipple's from work joined them,
Paula might try to passas straight or avoid gay topics in order not to implicate Sipple by asso-ciation. In other circumstances, when Paula encountered Sipple withothers and saw that Sipple was trying to avoid her eye, she might evenpretend not to know him.
She would walk by, invisible.The convention adds to already existing social rules and conven-tions about secrecy that apply to all people, gay and straight.Participants in groups such as twelve-step programs, for example,agree to maintain confidentiality about anything said during meetings.
We also honor more general conventions that oblige us to keep ourpromises to individuals when we have explicitly agreed not to revealsomething. Friendship, less explicitly, imposes such constraints in thename of loyalty.
Because we know our friends well, we will often beable to make good judgments about what they would like to have saidabout them, even in the absence of specific promises-not just abouttheir sexuality but also about other subjects such as their health ortheir finances.
The convention of silence about sexuality applies in allthese contexts, but, for gay people, it applies more broadly to includepeople with whom we do not share any of these relationships, peoplewith whom we have made no agreements nor formed any bonds offriendship.'
The convention demonstrates the radical asymmetry that existsbetween the lives of gay people and heterosexuals; it is the asymmetrybetween what may be told and what must be hidden.
A discreet hetero-sexual person would not, under normal circumstances, revealinformation that a heterosexual friend finds embarrassing. A discreetgay person keeps silent in addition about that which is (or ought tobe) most joyful.A gay person who was Sipple's friend would not havetold straight people about the celebration at the Red Lantern, or evenabout more everyday information about a wonderful new boyfriend in Sipple's life.
Even our best news must often be concealed from hetero-sexuals.While there is no written code of the convention or any commonlaw of exceptions, we suspect that even those who honor it in its full-est form believe that it is permissible to disclose the homosexuality ofother people regardless of their probable wishes when the harms ofsilence are sufficiently great.
If, for exam-ple, a closeted male supervisor sexually harasses or sexually assaults :imale employee who is openly gay, the employee will need to revealfacts about the offender's behavior and apparent orientation if heseeks relief through a disciplinary process or criminal prosecution.Few would demand that the victim respect the supervisor's wish notto be out.
A circumstance such as this, however, is rare enough that itdoes not diminish the otherwise widespread applicability of the rule;"in the great majority of other occasions it is considered inappropriateto reveal a person as gay or lesbian to nongay people.
The convention as commonly practiced does not, however, applyto discussing a person's sexual orientation with lesbians or gay men,especially with close friends.
Indeed, gay persons often expect theirfriends to share such information." Sharing permits the forming ofsocial or romantic connections and helps gay people recognize thatthey are part of a larger community.
Gay people generally withholdinformation from gay friends only when they have explicitly promisedto, when they fear that the friend will be indiscreet and reveal thethird person's sexuality to inappropriate others, or when they regard revealing the information to be gossip that would violate their per-sonal standards of behavior.'
We have stated the convention in a broad form: Don't reveal theidentity of gay people to heterosexuals unless you are certain that thegay person would not object. In the process of writing this piece, wehave learned that this view of the convention does not fully describeactual practice today even among gay people who think of themselvesas discreet and protective.
For example, one writer who has recentlydefended the convention of silence reports with apparent approvalthat some lesbians today talk openly about other lesbians to hetero-sexual women with whom they are close, trusting the heterosexualwomen's discretion.
Others who live in academic settings in largecities have told us about feeling free to tell their supportive heterosex-ual friends, both male and female, about closeted persons.
They trustthese friends not to inflict harms and not to tell others who might doso. In addition, many of us who are gay probably make assumptionsthat some particular gay acquaintances are out in general withouttaking care to confirm that it is actually so.
Thus, when we know thata particular person is gay and also know that he works at a bar in theCastro in San Francisco or dances professionally in a ballet companyor runs an AIDS service organization, we may guess that he is out tothe world and talk about him to our heterosexual friends without ad-verting to the slight possibility that we would be revealing a secret.
Eventually, perhaps, the convention may disappear because allstraight people will be supportive or nonthreatening; but this is notthe case now.
A considerable majority of Americans still believes thatall forms of same-sex sexual and romantic behavior are immoral.'8 Insmall towns throughout America like the Texas town where OliverSipple grew up, few people may feel ready today for any but the firm- est rule of silence.9 In this essay we ultimately and reluctantly defendsilence, but begin by exploring its costs.
M I Ro