This summer, go ahead and have a (literal) romp in the hay. Just try not to get arrested.
Having great outdoor sex is more than the willingness to get leaves in your hair or sand where sand doesn’t belong. If you’re set on the idea, having the right attitude and thinking things through will ensure your pleasure is fun, exciting, and disaster-free.
What are the do’s and don’ts of great outdoor sex? We’ve polled the hive mind of my social media to find out the joys, practicalities, and downright dangers of having sex in the great outdoors — all learned the hard way.
Let other people’s experiences be your guide to nature.
Part of the excitement of having sex outside is the danger of getting caught or being seen. It feels naughty and brazen. But the reality of getting caught is the opposite of sexy, especially if it’s by a child who happens upon you and yells, “Mommy! What are they doing?!” while pointing at you from five feet away. Don’t be that couple. Gross.
Speaking of getting busted, don’t get busted. Unless being arrested for lewd conduct is on your sexual bucket list, know the laws in your city, state, and even the whole country. In general, stay away from public schools, pools, parks, and any place a cop can pull up on you faster than you can pull up your pants.
Even if no one calls the cops, your activities could end up on the internet, which might be worse than getting arrested, depending who you ask
“Outdoor sex is all about the adventure and the urgency. Home is full of laundry and unwashed dishes, whereas your local forest is full of dappled sunlight and sturdy trees to hold onto.”
Now that we’ve established the difference between natural, outdoor sex and creepy public sex, here are some great places to commune with nature.
The woods: According to my friend: “In the olden days only the rich had sex inside because they were the only ones who had private rooms. Everyone else did it in the local forest.”
Your local forest is, in fact, a great place to have sex. You’re alone, relatively hidden, and no one can hear you through thin walls because there are no walls! It’s the perfect place to let your wild side go. Actually, the forest is so rich with life, some people are “bathing” in it.
The beach: Warm, soft sand lies splayed in undulating curves under an open sky. Salty, primordial scents waft through the air. Waves relentlessly rush in and pull out, over and over … are you getting the picture? The beach practically screams sex. Pick a deserted spot away from the crowd, get under that beach towel, and go for it. You’re nearly naked anyway, right? Don’t waste this opportunity.
Under the stars: What’s more romantic than being alone with your boo under a canopy of stars against a night sky? Nothing, that’s what. If you have a nice fire going, even better. Camping is a great time to have sex because you probably have a cozy tent, a padded sleeping bag, and if you’re “glamping,” an air mattress and pillows.
In the water: If you’re lucky enough to have a swimming pool, look no further than your own backyard for some submerged fun. At the beach or a lake, go far enough out where you can still stand but people on shore can’t tell what’s going on under the waterline. (Not recommended for people freaked out after seeing “Jaws,” though.)
“Don’t think about the kids, the neighbors, or the twigs you’ll be picking out of your undies afterward. It’ll all be worth it, you woodland goddess, you.”
If you know you’re going to have alfresco sex-o, have a blanket or thick towel with you. It’ll save your back and knees from rocks, pebbles, tree roots, seashells, and all manners of road rash, even where there are no roads.
Camping is one of the best opportunities to have great sex outdoors. You’ve already packed everything you need and plan to sleep there anyway. Bring lube, condoms, and baby wipes if you want. But PSA: Remember, if you pack it in, pack it out. No one wants to find your used condoms under a pine tree.
If you’re in the woods for the afternoon, one friend also suggests bug spray: “Spraying a circle around your general area will help and be less gross, but not terrific for the environment. Dryer sheets also work.” Who knew?
You had the foresight to bring a blanket and bug spray. Now it’s time to say bye to everything else that feels structured, scheduled, reasonable, and responsible. Outdoor sex is all about the adventure and the urgency.
Yeah, you could wait until you get home, but why? Home is full of laundry and unwashed dishes, whereas your local forest is full of dappled sunlight and sturdy trees to hold onto.
Don’t think about the kids, the neighbors, or the twigs you’ll be picking out of your undies afterward. It’ll all be worth it, you woodland goddess, you.
Sex in the great outdoors means finding yourself in some unusual positions because you’re working with what’s available. Spooning under a blanket is popular among exhibitionists because it looks like cuddling to the casual passerby.
Tree hugging isn’t just for environmentalists. According to a conversation I overheard once, sex while pressed up against a tree “gets all that stuff up in there.”
Wrapping yourself around your partner like a koala may be the only thing that saves you from being swept out to sea. Limb contortions are common to work around rowboat oars, steering wheels, and don’t get me started on backs.
One friend shared, “I had sex on a hammock recently. Kind of awkward, but fun. It got the job done.”
Considering how hard it is to just get in and out of a hammock, that’s pretty impressive.
Here’s some good advice from a Facebook friend: “If you’re on a cliff, next to a body of water, don’t kick your wallet off of the cliff. If you are on the roof of a castle tower, do not underestimate the speed of a bus full of 10-year-olds in ascending the tower steps. If you are not fully dressed when you hear them approaching, quickly turn your back as if you are admiring the scenery, and finish buttoning.
We’re now allowed to get outdoors for unlimted periods of time, after six weeks of being restricted to one form of exercise a day.
If you’ve been isolating with your partner, this change of scene might be the best news you’ve heard in months.
A date in the park isn’t the same as being able to ravish each other in the privacy of your bedroom, but at least it's a way of mixing things up after being stuck mostly within the same four walls.
While having sex in public is against the law, you can still get frisky if you're discreet.Stick to a few basic rules and you can cavort in public without getting yourselves arrested.
Here’s how to get away with it.
Not everyone will be as entranced at the sight of your partner’s white bottom bobbing up and down as you are.
So be as private and unobtrusive as you can.
Push clothes aside rather than remove, unbutton only when necessary and where possible, choose a position which you could unwind from in a flash if caught.
Decide on a place with low foot traffic, then scout it out. Visit at different times of the day to work out when it’s at its busiest and when there aren’t too many people around.
Take advantage of the weather.
Picnics are now allowed and you can get away with murder under a strategically placed blanket.
Quick sex doesn’t have to be uncomfortable sex.
You can add lube before you leave your house by depositing a good dollop high into the vagina and letting it work its way down.
Or you can buy little sachets of travel-size lubricant to carry with you
Sometimes, having full sex is out of the question. Instead, slip hands up and under shirts and tops, fondle genitals through clothing.
Sucking fingers, dry humping, kissing – there’s lots to do to satisfy each other which doesn’t involve penetration.
The humble hand-job comes into its own – literally – during sex in public places.
Apart from kissing, using your hands is the lowest risk sexual activity – and since it’s how lots of us masturbate, the genitals respond nicely to the right type of touch.
If the risk of being disturbed is high and there’s not much time, go for a superfast orgasm for you by standing or sitting in front of your partner.
Then get them to rest one palm on the top of your pubic bone and press down firmly, pushing forward, pulling back or moving in circles.
For him: twist your hands in opposite directions as you move up and down (one clockwise, one anti-clockwise) or make two fists around his penis, hold them centrally, then move one downward and the other upward.
Find a tree you can wrap your arms around and position yourself behind it, so you’re facing the direction another person might appear from.Put your arms around the tree for balance, push your bottom out and up by standing on tip-toes, and allow him to enter from behind.
Or stand facing each other, leaning against the tree, with one leg lifted up and wrapped around his hip while he holds the back of your thigh for support.
With the right clothes on (think a long, floaty dress or skirt), it’s relatively easy for you to straddle him as he’s lying back on the picnic rug (let him penetrate under cover of your skirt).
Grind pelvises rather than move up and down and people will think you’re just being playful.
You sitting on his lap is another outdoors position that can look innocent, if your skirt or dress is long and roomy enough to provide cover.
Don’t just have a word to alert each other to the threat of discovery, think about what you’ll say if you do get caught.
Chances are, the person who finds you will be even more embarrassed than you are and out of there before you can squeak ‘Oh no!’.
If they’re frozen with shock, look sheepish, confess you haven’t seen each other in the flesh for weeks on end, apologise genuinely then simply leave.
There are three good reasons why you might want to continue taking sex outside during summer, even when you are allowed to do it indoors.
It stops you thinking that sex = intercourse
Quick sex sessions teach us that ‘sex’ is anything which makes you feel sexy – teased as well as totally saited.
Two minutes of oral sex is just long enough to get everything standing to attention…and wanting more when that mouth is taken away.
Teasing each other physically – arousing your sexual systems, then leaving them to simmer – whets the appetite and encourages anticipatory sex.
A deliciously sexy, long, snog, neck kissing, a hot text – all these things count as ‘sex’ sessions.
Learn to enjoy parts of sex and parts of your bodies, rather than always devouring the whole thing.
Keep the tension going long after the lockdown is over by imposing rules: hands only sessions, tongues only, penetration only, breasts only, genitals only, you’re only allowed to touch, they’re only allowed to touch.
If you’re one of those people who wait for perfect conditions to have sex, outdoor sex cures you of the habit: you have to act fast and can’t overthink it all.
Lots of couples won’t have sex unless they’re both simultaneously in the mood, they’re having great hair days/thin days, the kids are in bed, the stars are aligned…you get the picture.
Sometimes an over-organised sex session guarantees you a bland, orchestrated one.
You both feel like you’re in some corny film and the pressure’s on to make like they do in the movies: worrying far too much about how it’s looking on the outside, rather than focusing on what’s happening on the inside.
You might have an orgasm during a quick sex session but even if neither of you climax, it still usually rates as a hot, lusty experience.
Sex isn’t all about orgasms: it’s the journey that matters more.
Often, it’s easier to ‘take turns’ with orgasms when you’re having sex in public. One of you gets pleasured one time, it’s the other person’s turn the next.
So long as the orgasm tally evens up over time, you don’t always have to clock up an orgasm each in the same sex session.
M I Ro