Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic
Letting Some Conflicts Go Unresolved
In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for forty plus years, he repeatedly found that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades. Meanwhile, many of the unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving fucking everything because they believed that there should never be a disagreement between them. Pretty soon there was a void of a relationship, too.
Successful couples accept and understand that some conflict is inevitable, that there will always be certain things they don’t like about their partner, or things they don’t agree with–all that’s fine. You shouldn’t need to feel the need to change somebody in order to love them. And you shouldn’t let some disagreements get in the way of what is otherwise a happy and healthy relationship.
Sometimes, trying to resolve a conflict can create more problems than it fixes. Some battles are simply not worth fighting. And sometimes, the most optimal relationship strategy is one of live and let live.
Being Willing to Hurt Each Other’s Feelings
Men often lie in this situation to make their girlfriends/wives happy. But I don’t. Why? Because honesty in my relationship is more important to me than feeling good all of the time. The last person I should ever have to censor myself with is the woman I love.
When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then more often than not nobody ends up feeling good. And our relationships fall apart without us even knowing it.
It’s important to make something more important in your relationship than merely making each other feel good all of the time. The feeling-good–the sunsets and puppies–they happen when you get the important stuff figured out: values, needs and trust.
If I feel smothered and want more time alone, I need to be capable of saying that without blaming her and she needs to be capable of hearing it without blaming me, despite the unpleasant feelings it may cause. If she feels that I’m cold and unresponsive to her, she needs to be capable of saying it without blaming me and I need to be capable of hearing it without blaming her, despite the unpleasant feelings it may generate.
These conversations are crucial if we want we maintain a healthy relationship, one that meets both people’s needs. Without them, we lose track of one another.
Being Willing to End It
Romantic sacrifice is idealized in our culture. Show me almost any movie with romance at its center and it’s bound to feature a desperate and needy character who treats themselves like dog shit for the sake of being in love with someone.
The truth is our standards for what a “successful relationship” should be are pretty screwed up. If a relationship ends and someone’s not dead, then we view it as a failure, regardless of the emotional or practical circumstances present in the person’s lives. And that’s kind of insane.
Romeo and Juliet was originally written as satire to represent everything that’s wrong with young, romantic love and how irrational beliefs about relationships can make you do stupid shit like drink poison because your parents don’t like some girl’s parents.
But somehow, we’ve come to think of the play as a romance. It’s this kind of irrational idealization that leads people to stay with partners who treat them like shit, to give up on their own needs and identities, to make themselves into martyrs who are perpetually miserable, to suppress their own pain and suffering in the name of maintaining a relationship “until death do us part.”
Sometimes the only thing that can make a relationship successful is ending it at the necessary time, before it becomes too damaging. And the willingness to do that allows us to establish the necessary boundaries to help ourselves and our partner grow together.
“Until death do us part” is romantic and everything, but when we worship our relationship as something more important than ourselves—more important than our values, than our needs and everything else in our lives—we create a sick dynamic where there’s no accountability.
We have no reason to work on ourselves and grow because our partner has to be there no matter what. And our partner has no reason to work on themselves and grow because we’re going to be there no matter what. This all invites stagnation and stagnation equals misery.
Feeling Attraction for People Outside the Relationship
One of the mental tyrannies we face in a non-honest relationship is the situation where any mildly emotional or sexual thought not involving your partner amounts to high treason.
As much as we’d like to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology says otherwise. Once we get past the honeymoon phase of starry eyes and oxytocin, the novelty of our partner can wear off a bit. And unfortunately, human sexuality is partially wired around novelty.
But the truth is, not only are we capable of finding multiple people attractive and interesting at the same time, it’s a biological inevitability.
What isn’t an inevitability is our decision to act on the attraction or not. Most of us, most of the time, choose to not act on those feelings. And like waves, they pass through us and leave us with our partner very much the same way they found us.
This triggers a lot of guilt in some people and a lot of irrational jealousy in others. Our cultural scripts tell us that once we’re in love, that’s supposed to be the end of the story. And if someone flirts with us and we enjoy it, or if we catch ourselves having an occasional errant sexy-time fantasy, there must be something wrong with us or our relationship.
But that’s simply not the case. In fact, it’s healthier to allow oneself to experience these feelings and then let them go.
When you suppress these feelings, you give them power over you, you let them dictate your behavior for you (suppression) rather than dictating your behavior for yourself (via feeling them and yet choosing not to do anything).
People who suppress these urges are often the ones who project them onto their partner and become blindingly jealous, attempting to control their partner’s every thought, corralling all of their partner’s attention and affection onto themselves.
People who suppress these urges are often the ones who wake up one day disgruntled and frustrated with no conscious understanding of why, wondering where all of the days went and saying things like, “remember how in love we used to be??
Looking at attractive people is pleasurable. Speaking to attractive people is pleasurable. Thinking about attractive people is pleasurable. That’s not going to change because of our Facebook relationship status. And when you dampen these impulses towards other people, you dampen them towards your partner as well. You’re killing a part of yourself, and it ultimately only comes back to harm your relationship.
When we commit to a person, we are not committing our thoughts, feelings or perceptions to them. We can’t control our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions most of the time, so how could we ever make that commitment?
What we can control are our actions. And what we commit to that special person are those actions. Let everything else come and go, as it inevitably will.
Spending Time Apart
We all have that friend who mysteriously ceased to exist as soon as they got into their relationship. You see it all the time: the man who meets someone and stops playing basketball and hanging out with his friends, or the woman who suddenly decides she loves every comic book and video game her partner likes even though she doesn’t know how to correctly hold the XBox controller. And it’s troubling, not just for us but for them.
When we fall in love we develop irrational beliefs and desires. One of these desires is to allow our lives to be consumed by the person with whom we’re infatuated. This feels great–it’s intoxicating in much of the same way cocaine is intoxicating (no, really). The problem only arises when this actually happens.
The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.
It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are yours alone. Have some separate friends; take an occasional trip somewhere by yourself; remember what made you you and what drew you to your partner in the first place.
Without this oxygen to breathe, the fire between the two of you will die out and what were once sparks will become only friction.
Accepting Your Partner’s Flaws
1) men who are looking for the perfect woman and can never find her,
men who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.
I love this observation and believe it applies to not just womanizers, but just about anyone who consistently finds themselves in dysfunctional relationships. They either try to make their partner be perfect by “fixing” them or changing them, or they delude themselves into thinking that their partner is already perfect.
This is one of those things that is not nearly as complicated as it appears. Let’s break it down:
Every person has flaws and imperfections.You can’t ever force a person to change. Therefore: You must date somebody who has flaws you can live with or even appreciate.
The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, that’s a sign of true intimacy.
One of the best (and earliest!) expressions of this idea came from Plato in the form of a myth. In his Symposium, Plato wrote that humans were originally androgynous and whole. They felt no lack, no uncertainty, and they were powerful, so powerful that they rose up and challenged the gods themselves.
This posed a problem for the gods. They didn’t want to completely wipe out the human race as they’d have no one to rule over, but they also had to do something to humble and distract humanity.
So, Zeus split each human into two, a man and a woman (or a man and a man, or a woman and a woman) and doomed them to spend their brief mortal existence wandering the world looking for their other half, the half that would make them feel whole and powerful again. And this wholeness would come not from two perfections meeting, but two imperfections meeting, two imperfections that both complemented and compensated for one another’s shortcomings.
“True love is when two people’s pathologies complement one another’s.” Love is, by definition, crazy and irrational. And the best love works when our irrationalities complement one another, and our flaws enamor one another.
It may be our perfections that attract one another in the first place. But it’s our imperfections that decide whether or not we stay together.
How to Stop Fucking up your relationships
A Man's warrior within
Would you like to have better and more sex? Attract more wealth? longer lasting relationships? More freedom to do and have all the things you want?
Firstly let’s look at the words inherent and essential, to describe our masculinity. A combined description from the dictionary would say a permanent essential and characterised attribute with absolute necessity and extreme importance.
I heard a deep down calling. A yearning inside, a moral obligation that summoned me to start working for progress.
I found the wild man buried in me. He was restrained my entire life. He was desperate to get out. …
Easy steps to break loose from emotional slavery
What do you believe The heart will always override the mind. Beliefs in the heart are always sprouting little seeds of destruction and scientific research has proven they can,” without knowing it! Run our lives.
In the unconscious the cellular memories of our lives to date can determine whether or not we are powered by fear, doubt and worry, or the more desirable love, joy and happiness.
The question is! Which ones are helpful for our benefit? Dumb question right. We all have a defence mechanism and the innate ability to protect. Unfortunately this fear based way the body functions can outplay the positive natural immune system.
These defence systems play their role when they need to, they shouldn’t run our lives blocking our healing powers.
This is how I tackle the belief system I listen carefully to my inner dialogue and determine if it is helpful or not. If I ever hear a voice say “this is wrong” or “oh well do it anyhow,” doubt crops up immediately and I know that’s the wrong decision. I catch myself out and play the witness, it is a subtle awareness that in any given moment, gives me a choice.
There is two of you Do you ever hear a voice say, “why did I think that.” In Zen they refer to this as the thinking mind and the observing mind.
The thinking mind can’t be controlled Don’t believe me? Picture yourself laying on a beach cocktail in hand looking out over the blue water. Your observing mind just witnessed that whole imaginary scenario, was it true? YES! You just observed your imagination. Sadly NO! you weren’t on the beach..
Our thinking mind is a runaway train with an endless track, the observing mind is the only one in control of the brakes, he can slow it down but never stop it..
It’s the same with negative feelings and emotions. How can I stop feeling this or that? One might ask. The answer is you don’t. What you can do though is stop the feelings or emotions fusing with the thinking mind.
I’m scared becomes I feel scared.Im a reject becomes I felt rejection. I’m sad becomes I feel sad.
Have the feelings ( we all do ) you feel, but know they don’t have to control you “dont identify yourself with them.” You will strengthen those negative emotions when fusing the thinking mind to the pain. Like the waves on the ocean allow them to reach the shore in the flow of time, as apposed to being trapped in their rip tides.
Owning our feelings and emotions and being the silent witness and taking responsibility for them is the best way to living your authentic you. Awareness in the fact that you have these two minds will strengthen the observer to stop the thinker fuelling the negative.
This is an important step in creating real discipline and being in the control tower despite your emotional state. Being fully aware of the two minds is the only way to freeing the chains of emotional slavery.
M I Ro