Open Relationships: While we may want to live interesting and experimental lives, the biggest mistake a Gay couple can make is having an open one. You would assume that what you have is enough to make it work, but when you feel like you need more than what you have, it borders problems.
You and your partner risk the trouble of falling in love with someone else, having chemistry he might prefer over yours, or risk putting the whole relationship out to dry. While threesomes may be a bit more optional, Open relationships just don’t seem to be the way to go about things and is probably the number one reason Gay relationships don’t work.
Sometimes when a relationship doesn’t work its time to move on. Don’t recycle something you’re not going to use again and use OPEN as an excuse.
Another important issue in relationships that was not mentioned is the fact that relationships take lots of work. Too often, they end when they do not need to. When you date a person, things are great. You are finding out about someone new. You might try new things together. Dating is fun.
You are always going to dinner, courting each other, talking to one another, and the sex is usually pretty awesome. But, over time, relationships get stale. You get stuck in a rut. You begin to feel bored and uninterested in the things that once made you excited.
In a relationship. you need to always work on finding ways to spice things up. You need to find new things to keep you interested in each other. You need to find ways to bring that dating time back into a 2, 3, 4, 5 year relationship. And, it is not always about spicing up the sex life. New hobbies to do together, taking a spur of the moment trip together, finding new friends to add things to your lives, and many other things.
I have seen far too many coupled gay friends leave each other after two or more years together because things got stale in the relationship. It is fine to get into a sense of normalcy with each other. But, if you find that all you do together is watch TV or stay home all the time together, it will get boring for one of you.
It is kind of like you setting every Wednesday as meatloaf night at your house. Eventually, meatloaf gets old and tasteless. So, you need to maybe have a taco night once in a while on Wednesdays.
I feel this article might have been written by Christian fundamentalists… I had a 16 year relationship. It was open, we went occasionally to disco together and it never caused problems. Could there be a hidden agenda here?
Of course we had disputes and things to resolve, but this is an integral part of any relationship (just as love and sharing wonderful things). You cannot avoid it and have to grow your tolerance and understanding, I completely agree on this point.
Every relationship is unique and this kind of experience is not prone to synthetyzing or statistizing. Sharing a personal experience is much more interesting and humble than giving lectures like this. I don’t like the “This is the biggest mistake” way the author is lecturing us.
Open Relationship just simply doesn’t work. When it does work, it doesn’t work as a romantic intimate kind, it’s simply friends with benefits kind. It’s well documented in many articles. Love = Selfish, anything around it it’s management of it, including expectation management.
Commitments = boundaries. Biggest problem in Open Relationship is the conditioned inability to experience romantic love again, and constantly blocking/immunise yourself against falling in love which is the very same reason why the relationship open in the first place.
Socialise as a couple is healthy but why must it be a gay bars? I guess deniability comes into play and gay men are just so good at that. Cultivating authenticity is so important especially to the gay men.
I wonder why insecurity/self-victimisation isn’t part of the biggest problem faced in the gay world especially when it comes to relationship. To me, insecurity seems to be the biggest disease sweeping the gay men world, if not general society.
Generally I agree with this article. But again, every relationship is different and so does everyone, communication and constantly setting and agree to boundaries will produce a trusting enjoyable relationship.
re (2) Isn’t a relationship to some degree, all about two people having some sort of need for each other? Like in that saying ‘fall for someone you cannot live without’, like Romeo and Juliet in the straight world. It doesn’t mean having a partner to solve all your problems or issues, and lean totally on them, but hell if he has troubles in his heart, then surely be compassionate, be supportive and understanding and consider why, and give more re-assurance.
t’s not hard to have little other than heart wrenching experiences in the gay world, speaking from experience, especially when the heart runs deep, I know it too well, 45 and still not had an LTR. But then of course I’ve found that in most cases guys seeking guys are only wanting something shiny, off the showroom floor, not someone they have to give a little TLC to.
If I had a guy who was showing insecurity due to issues, then I’d pull out all stops to love him and nurture him. It’s far nicer when you see what your love has become.
But the thing is to find a guy who can accept being loved truly madly deeply, as in the words of Savage Garden. As two of the same sex, we should have the advantage of a deeper understanding, but that seldom seems to be, alas.
I had an extreme experience with Number 4; my mother warned me that this fellow I was once with probably didn’t love me as much as it seemed – indeed, he probably THOUGHT he loved me, but only needed someone to cling to and depend on. “Unless you are a lifeguard, if you try to save a drowning man he may instead pull you down with him”.
We didn’t pool our resources, but he did end up borrowing from me to get things he wanted now rather than save up. At first he felt guilty about it, but eventually it became habit and when I told him point-blank that if we hoped to achieve any of the dreams we wanted (like our own house) we had to start being prudent, he turned around and accused me of being calculative and became very defensive.
More than once I found evidence of him cheating, and I’m the kind of guy who can swallow it if you own up and try to work it out with me – go for a blood test and all. Unfortunately, he insisted he didn’t do anything, and instead called me out for looking for a reason to breakup.
At some point I got fed up and did – he was crying his eyes out and all that but suddenly he just snapped out of it and called me all sorts of things, and being very self-righteous about his point of view. Seeing him like that, it was as if a spell on me had been broken – I suddenly saw what this was all REALLY about.
1.Open Relationship…Yuk..The world is mistaken in thinking that monogamy is a moral good. You can decide, by an act of will, to be monogamous to your partner. That does not mean the desire for sex with others is no longer there.
You can make the denial of that desire as the foundation of your relationship, as in, if we love each other enough, we will control ourselves. But what kind of love is it anyway if you need to cage each other’s sexual energy? Do you really think caging each other will make you love each other more?.
I dont deny its bored eating the same noodles everyday, but who ask you to eat everyday?hardly for me to believe a successful long lasting relationship in between without eat other meal than Noodles.lol
Everyone has their personal understanding of “relationship”, “love”, and what it takes to build a successful relationship. If 2 people get together who believe in the same things, that’s called compatibility
.If you haven’t talked about it, then you’re not in a relationship. Be honest with each other, talk things out, communicate your wants, desires and expectations.
A good and interesting article to remind us some dos and don’ts in a relationship. Excitement and thrills are always at the initial stage, honeymoon period tend to be the sweetest but it will move on to another stage, when both parties will tend to understand and see each other in reality, many couples broke off after seeing their “real” partners while others would fade off their feelings and started to venture out for a better somebody.
I believe a relationship has to be cultivated over time, couples must open up to discuss matters and find ways to compromise differences. When matters are opened up for discussion, both parties mustnt impose his views and beliefs on his partner, but with respect and adopt an open mind.
I dun think there are many matters that are so traumatic and unsolvable, and need to call off a relationship! It is not an escapism and excuse giving session. When two persons are committed, both of them should work hand in hand to tackle issues and find ways which can strengthen their relationship as they move along.
There are priorities to set and aim, regular review of these priorities would provide useful feedback and minimise unhappiness as well as misunderstanding. I believe couples who can communicate and share issues together, will have a happier and longer lasting relationship. We have to do our best if we choose to be in a relationship.