SEX, fuck, Making Love
Sex has to be one of life's simplest pleasures. D'Angelo knows it; Calum Best knows it; Rihanna knows it; shit, even that weird lead singer from The Bloodhound Gang knows it.
So it's strange that human nature often complicates what should be such a simple thing; instead of being able to just enjoy it for what it is, we often completely ruin casual sexual relationships by, you know, actually engaging with each other's personalities and developing feelings for one another and appreciating each other for more than just the sex.
But what if you could have sex with no strings? Become "fuck buddies" with someone without it souring when one of you inevitably gets more caught up in the relationship that the other? Sounds unlikely, right? Maybe, but it's not impossible. I spoke to three sets of fuck buddies about how they successfully kept it casual.
Tom & Gerry Met probably two years ago! Like maybe after hanging with him twice? I remember seeing him at... can't say which club.
Kinda just happened, though – it wasn't talked about Tom: It 100 percent wasn't a confirmed fuck buddy system; it was just a Friday night thing, once in a blue moon, and sometimes would be every two weeks, or maybe once a month. I used to sleep over at his loads because I'd be out and about south side, where he lived, and it made it a lot easier than me going home.
There may have been fucked conversations, but we never subject ourselves to intense feelings, really! We're actually really close mates now. We're just mates now, and sleep over without having sex.
Awkward? He did go away for like six months, so even if there were any form of feels forming, he was kinda gone anyway. Then he came back being friends with my friends, and hey presto, we became best buddies instead. I back what Gerry said there.
We were talking here and there before I left. Before then, our friend group knew each other but not too well. After coming back I'd met all her mates at a fHoliday in Ibiza. Come festival season over here, we were all really close and just became close mates.
So, in a way, the fuck buddy two-year escapade turned out to be a good friendship Also, manage your distance well, which was easy for us as we lived at other sides of city. But yes: don't catch feelings, and get really muntered together.
Patrick and Tony
It was just a random uni night out – I can't remember who spoke to who first, but he did come back with me. Patrick can tell you about I remember meeting her in the smoking area outside this club called Junk. Asking for a lighter is a good conversation starter.that. They were very messy nights.
He was way more fucked than I was, though. It ended with him vomiting in my sink in my lovely en suite and me sending him home. I'm sure you still tried it on with your sicky breath, too.
I sent him home and had to sort out all the sick in my sink. It was a very long night. God knows why I spoke to him again, but I did. Patrick, can you remember the first time? You came back to mine a couple weeks later. It just sort of happened naturally.
We both enjoyed it. He was surprised at how good I was; he said, "I didn't expect you to be that good." Just both like, "Whatever." I think we knew. I think I snuck out without saying anything, actually? Before he woke up. Yeah, it was like that – he didn't stay long the morning after.
I can't remember if I saw him leave or not. I definitely got dressed in the dark. To be fair, at least I stayed the night. Usually I couldn't stand sleeping next to the dude, especially if they're as cuddly as Patrick. He was like a limpet. Fucking hell – I mean... the deed is done; you get on with your day.
Pretty often, after a lot of nights out, so I dunno – maybe once a week? Maybe more or less, depending on what was going on. I think it was alright, to be fair. We never argued about other people we were seeing, kept it fairly low-key – but obviously my housemates knew. Feelings : I really want to know the answer to this.
Years of waiting – was I not enough for you, Patrick? Yeah, he is a very attractive girl and knows exactly what he's doing. But we both weren't gonna settle and we liked it the way it was. If we settled, we might not be here speaking to you today. awkward?
I kissed his housemate one time; no recollection of that, either, until the housemate texted me the next day flirting. Pat ignored my entire existence for weeks.
I even had to take him aside in the club, and he lied that his phone was broken. But he eventually forgave me – I got a text one morning while I was on a trip in Paris. Other than that, just the one time
The time I went back to [yours], and I can't remember why exactly, but we argued about something and [you] threatened to chuck my phone out the window. Oh yeah! It was after Carnage. I just wanted you to shut up and sleep!
And you were babbling nonsense in my ear. I was so pissed off. So then I asked him to leave, but he wouldn't and was just chilling, texting on his phone. I actually threw it at the wall first, and then out the window.
The next time we saw each other we were fine, though. You even came back with me that night. He used to turn up drunk on my doorstep a lot. Pat, do you remember that time you drunk-called me and we ended up just watching Jungle Book and sleeping? Only do it with people you can be mates with.
Be laid-back about it, have a sense of humour. Don't be dicks to each other. Remember: it'll be a good story one day. Yeah, and always keep things real with your partner. You don't want to ruin a good thing you have going just because of something silly.
How Often Do You Fuck?
Don't know how often you're having sex but it's too much, it's too much. That's according to the great oracle 'the Daily Mail', anyway, which somehow this week decreed that the ideal number of instances of intercourse you should be enduring per week is one.
One. Uno. One shag. Single digit orgasm number, for you, per seven days. Once. It is possible to break the Mail's conservative shag numbers in an hour. It is possible to defy the Mail five times in one day.
To prove their point, the Mail got various lumpen middle-aged couples to stand back to back in a photography studio and share their stories of how only nailing once a week is actually really brilliant, actually.
"[There's] a new frisson between us," one couple says. "There is a constant frisson between us," says another. The third couple does not say 'frisson' but they do say 'frisky'. Truly, the Mail is doing its upmost to erode the very concept of sex in Britain today.
But is once a week truly, really, the best way to keep the frisson in your life? What about the friskiness? I took to the streets to find out how often real people actually have sex, and whether they'd ever consider giving a weird MailOnline sex diary a shot.
Do you think having sex once a week, and only once, would be beneficial for your relationship? I think, if you're in a good relationship and you like each other, sex more than once a week is just a given. It's hard to have sex once a week if you're genuinely really attracted to someone and you're lying in bed with them every single night.
I mean, I wouldn't say it would be a healthy relationship to have sex once a week and carry on like that forever and ever. You want sex at different times!
Sometimes you're in the mood for it, sometimes you're not. It depends what kind of day you've had. Unless I was trying for children or something along those lines, I don't see how I'd ever, ever want to do that. In this study they allocated a time and day for couples to have sex every week.
Would you ever try that for the sake of your relationship? A sex diary? That sounds hilarious. I don't think so, because you shouldn't plan when you want to have sex. Some days you wake up and don't even want to see the person you're dating. Other times, they're all you want to look at. The idea of scheduling it all is just wrong.
How often do you guys do the nasty every week, would you say Three to five, but it depends really. If I saw her daily, that would be good for me, but it's not a big deal, you know? Would you say you guys have pretty evenly matched libidos?
Yeah, it's pretty much the same, so everything works out okay. How do you think your relationship would be if they were wildly different? There'd probably be more arguments if he wanted to have sex way less than me. If his libido was higher than mine,
I think it would be okay; I'd just be more tired all the time but that's alright with me. How often do you think people should be having sex to have a healthy relationship? I reckon it varies from person to person. Some people don't do it at all – others' relationships are built on their sexual interactions.
It really depends on the person, but I'd say at least once a week, maybe? That's if you're with each other every day. How often would you have sex if you could do it whenever you wanted? It goes in phases; sometimes I want to have sex all the time, and sometimes
I feel like I don't need it. It depends on how long it's been since I saw my boyfriend last, or if we haven't spent a lot of quality time together. Sometimes, when I feel like if I'm spending a lot of quality time with him, that's fine. But yeah, it really depends on my mood.
Work is Work
Achieving the perfect work-life balance is tough, whichever industry you're in. But when that industry involves sex, that balance gets even tougher. From first dates to long-term relationships, is there ever a right time to tell your sex partner that you also have sex for money?
When I worked as a lap dancer, I stopped dating altogether. Something about selling the idea of sex to men every night just put me off intimacy. Long after I quit dancing, I'd meet guys who fixated on the fact I took my clothes off for money when I was 18.
They seemed either disappointed in me or weirdly turned on by it. But what's it like for people who have both business-sex and pleasure-sex? I spoke to sex workers across different areas of the industry about their dating lives.
"The best relationship I've had was with another sex worker"
The two responses I get from potential dates are, "No, because you're a sex worker" and, "Yes, because you're a sex worker." It's never just about me. I totally understand when they can't handle it, but then there are the ones who want to try out new things sexually, and if that's the only reason they want to date me, forget it.
My last relationship lasted two-and-half months. He'd ask me how my day was and I wouldn't want to talk about it. That's because I'm sharing a part of myself with a stranger and I wouldn't want my boyfriend to think he wasn't getting the real me. The thing is, I genuinely enjoy my work–
I love it! I orgasm all the time. Which is brilliant, but it also makes me reluctant to be completely open because I don't want my partners to get jealous. The best relationship I've ever had was with another sex worker. It was brilliant. We were just so comfortable with each other and could talk about everything.
I remember one time in a restaurant, this couple on the next table were talking about their days – business proposals, presentations, stuff like that – so I asked him what he'd done that day. "Oh, I fisted this woman, how about you?" he replied. And I said, "Oh, I fucked a man with a strap-on." We laughed so much.
The only reason it didn't work out was because I have kids and he's a bit younger than me – it was nothing to do with our work. I think some female sex workers can be overly naïve when it comes to trying to find a partner, so when we do find something, sometimes we put up with more than we should. That's probably why I've decided to remain single – it's too much hassle.
"The men I date assume I'm a rampant sex machine"
I'm a male sex worker specialising in Conscious Kink and erotic ritual. People are generally stunned that as a man I can be a successful sex worker.
Women I date assume I'm some kind of rampant sex machine but, actually, I'm a pretty sensitive soul. Someone I dated recently thought I was lying until I showed her my website.
I'm in a long-term relationship but I practice ethical non-monogamy, aka polyamory. My partner used to get upset if I had last-minute bookings and changed our plans but I've stopped doing that to avoid friction so now I only take advanced bookings.
I don't lie to the people I date, but I lie to other people all the time – shop keepers, taxi drivers, random people in bars or cafes, who ask me what I do. It's to avoid long conversations that I've had a million times; it's not out of any shame.
There isn't much stigma associated with being a male sex worker but there is loads in being a female one. People make a lot of assumptions about what it's like to date sex workers – they expect disease and drugs and lack of self-worth.
In my experience, nothing could be further from the truth. I've only had two relationships since I was 21. The first happened when I was taking a break from escorting but when I told him that's what I used to do he was upset.
He would bring it up when we argued and found it difficult to trust me – to the point where he'd check my phone and emails. We broke up because he wanted a family and I wasn't ready for it. When I went back to escorting I had no wish to enter another relationship.
Then one day I saw I new client and liked him; I thought he was funny and sweet. He was my age and would turn up at the parlour slightly drunk on nights I was working. He drunkenly proposed one night in front of all the Romanian girls
I worked with and my stoned manager. At that point I was training to be a domme, so when I set up on my own he came and saw me at my dungeon. Suddenly, he disappeared for a year and it was only then that I realised how much I liked him. Finally, he called me again. We had a session, went for dinner and now we've been together for a year.
I can be tricky trust-wise. I wonder if he will see another sex worker, and obviously he can get jealous at times too. But I think we work well together because we've both seen each other at our most vulnerable, so there is a mutual respect. However, when people ask how we met, we just give them a boring story.
"I've lied for the first few months of every relationship"
I'm a full service sex worker specialising in kink milkmaid service and feeding, but I never tell that to anyone straight away. I've lied for the first few months of every relationship. I hate telling new people; there is too much judgement and I don't feel that people who I've only been dating a month deserve to know such intimate details about me.
I told my current boyfriend in a series of steps. First, I said I used to do it – then finally I told him I was still doing it and wouldn't stop for anyone. He was really gutted about me lying and so I moved out the house for a couple of days. Later, after we'd both cried and had time to think about everything, he realised it wasn't such a big deal.
It's only a job – it doesn't change who I am. Almost every man I've ever dated has had a bad reaction to my working in the escort business. It's often a shock followed by a sudden re-evaluation of everything they think about me.
I've had dates who immediately jump to ask, "What's the most heinous thing you've ever had to do?" – as though I'm forced to do horrible things. Others act perfectly fine and then never call back.
One guy I used to date was constantly worried about contracting HIV and STDs from me, which made me aware of how little people know about the industry. Another guy told me he thought I was doing it for the attention and that it was just a phase.
When my last relationship became more serious I decided to take a job as a waiter and hold off on escorting for a while. I found that I couldn't be emotionally involved with him if he wasn't on board with my work. It's a compromise and in a more liberal, educated world I imagine I'd find a lot more men who accepted me for it.
"My ex ignored me for two days"
I don't have relationships with men because I find it too difficult to lie and I couldn't tell any man the truth. I once told my ex that I'd done sex work in the past and he ignored me for two days while he decided whether or not he wanted to continue our relationship. At the time I was devastated and worried about our relationship ending.
He asked me questions about what I'd done and how many clients I'd seen and if I'd ever done it while we were together. I felt ashamed and upset. Since then, I've had a few dates and flings but just found it too difficult to lie. I hate living a double life but I don't even tell my friends because I think they will judge me.
People are skeptical of fuck buddies. They’re like: How can you have sex with the same person, again and again, without falling in love? Or at least, without getting super-jealous and Fatal Attraction–esque? Some assume that one of the “buddies” is always being strung along, secretly hoping that the fucking leads to something more serious.
Others dismiss fuck-buddy dynamics as just being compulsive sex that’s devoid of emotion. But why do things have to be so black and white? Surely it’s possible to find a middle ground between eternal love and zombie-fucking a stranger: a place where you can care about someone, have good sex, and yet not want to literally implode at the thought of them sleeping with someone else. Right?
The most significant romantic friendship of my life was with an ex-editor of mine, whom I’ll call Malcolm. We started “a thing” five years ago and have yet to end it. When I met him, he was 45 and charmingly grumpy, and he would always tell me: “Sex is so perfect.
Why destroy it with a relationship?” I’d go over to his apartment for a couple hours in the afternoons, we’d have sex (soberly, which meant I could actually cum), and then afterward we’d drink tea and complain about stuff. It was the best. There were times when we saw each other frequently, and other times when things dropped off for a while, usually because one of us had a partner.
And sure, when he would get a girlfriend I would be a little bummed out—I’m (unfortunately) not a sociopath—but it didn’t cause me to spiral into an emotional cyclone the way I would have if I’d been cheated on by a boyfriend. After all, disappointment comes from expectation.
Once, he told me this long, complicated story about an affair he had with his cousin, adding, “That’s not something I tell most people.” Probably wise on his part, but I loved that story, as problematic as it may be, because I loved knowing something about him that no one else did. Sometimes it feels like we are more honest with our friends with benefits than we are with our partners.
This paradox always makes me think of that Mad Men episode when Betty seduced Don at their kid’s summer camp, well after they had both remarried. Afterward, when they’re lying in bed together, Betty says of Don’s new wife, “That poor girl. She doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.”
Harsh. But sometimes, romantic friendships can offer a type of intimacy that committed relationships can’t. I was curious to know if Malcolm felt the same way I did about all of this, so last week (for strictly journalistic purposes), I paid him a visit. “Having a friend with benefits is great because it’s just—it’s just less annoying,” he said, smoking a cigar and dressed in an inexplicable beige silk onesie.
“It’s more of a low-intensity intimacy. It’s not encumbered by obligations, which just lead to resentment.” “With [FWB] there’s no illusion about the carnal aspect,” he went on, “so you can be really literal about it: You are two people who like and respect each other—and you like to fuck. There’s beauty and freedom in that honestly.
And you can be playful. You can have your sex-power persona, or you can play the super-misogynist pig, or the bimbo, and it’s okay, because you’re not being judged. But if you change that dynamic into being a real relationship, then those games might not seem so sexy anymore.”
In other words, your fuck buddy gets all the good stuff about being in a relationship—the wild sex, the cuddles, the juicy dark secrets—minus all of the boring, would-rather-die activities that go hand in hand with commitment, like having to help assemble your boyfriend’s IKEA bed, or having to watch your girlfriend stab at the ingrown hairs on her bikini line while she watches the Kardashians.
(That’s me—I’m the girlfriend who does that.) One of the most masterful fuck friends I know is my friend Casey, a 26-year-old Ph.D. candidate in English, who until recently had a FWB for 12 years.
It started when she was 13, with a boy whose family spent every summer in the same beach town as she did. (Cute alert.) Over martinis at Cafe Mogador, Casey told me, “When I’m dating someone, my immediate impulse is to be like, ‘Let’s lock shit down! My anxiety will decrease if I know you want to marry me in six years from now!’ Which is crazy and not hot or sustainable.
But my longer romantic friendships have been a safe space. They’ve helped me figure out how to relate to someone romantically without the immediate trigger of, Where is this going?” In other words, having a fuck buddy is a great exercise in non-possessiveness. For all the benefits of fuck friendery, it’s still possible for this dynamic to screw with your emotions.
“At different points in our relationship,” Casey recalled, “it was hard to respect the line between friendship and flirting when he started dating someone, because I’d known him more intimately than his new partner. It’s like my morals were thrown out the window, and I felt this gross egotistical sense that I should come first, because I’ve been around longer, like, ‘
Girlfriends come and go, but I’m forever.’” Sometimes it’s hard to accept that these dynamics usually have an expiration date, which tends to be when one person gets into a committed relationship. And, unfortunately, not only do you lose the benefits, but you sometimes lose the friend, too.
Maybe the coolest thing about the fuck-buddy economy is that it allows women to actually enjoy sex in a casual way, without having to enter an old-fashioned ownership contract. It celebrates female sexual autonomy.
It’s a chance to explore ourselves and other people. And in the interim, we can discover who we are and what we like, instead of committing to a pseudo-marriage we aren’t ready for.
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