Here I am 57 years after I was born wandering in the cemetery of the town i was born looking at the white cold marble graves carved by names. Names of beloved friends, we used to share the same table at the school the same bus the same cassroom the same date of birth year.
Some of them died young some as I have been told kill themselves ad others is just bad luck they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It is 3,30 am October month year 2021 15 celcius sone stars shown at the dark sky the moon isn’t and I am still wandering what the hell am I doing here
Sometimes it is hard to swallow the truth although it seemed to be the best thing in life to know the truth to be honest but yet it is hard to swallow it.
Specially when it coms to family. Tonight after 57 years I find out from a member of my family that the woman I adore and loved to death, the woman that once I thought she was the world to me the woman who gave birth to me she was unfaithful to my father.
After 57 years of my life finding out she was cheated to a father for whom my all life i thought he was a bad evil man a wankeran di never really loved him because he was terrible to my mother and now I know where it all started.
I can not express enough the hate I was grown to have for my father, that hate grow slowly within the years living with them, sharing the same room with them listening to my mother crying after forced to have sex, been beaten up and on the top of all that try to work out the reason WHY/
It is hard to taste the biterness of the boys life when having to deal with all theese problems and the only comfort I use to find was under my sisters warm bed sheets, night after night.
Yet here i am after the final goodbyes to them wandering in the cemetery looking at their white marble graves carved with their names, here is my father mother and brother under one six feet under grave and long feet to the right is my sisters grave with the ironic smile at her face staring at you from beyond the grave.
She left four loving children behind and a devoted loving father and according to the priest at the church is because God needs good people next to him. To some loyal Christians this may sound comforting but I just told him and God to fuck off.
God suppose to love us and punish us, i am sorry but if this is the religion we all grow up to believe and worship God, the we are all fucked up. So far the only evedence I have for god is my mother gives her saving s to the church to keep God happy and a God who does not give a fuck about us .
He does not loves us and never will, all he care is about money and corruption that I have too much evidence to support my theory , do believe me. for the years I spent my life worshiping this God i do regret them.
We end up believing what the media tell us, these days even worse we believe ib Social media which is even worse. Social Media it is the end of our social life as we know it. So for years I made to believe communism is a bad thing most Americans believe Socialism is a bad thing.
However for years now or for as long as i rememeber they support China and several other communist countries they built their economy and the result is at the moment we have China to rule the economy on the planet. Does this make any sense to you? not to me but this is typical Americans.
Hypocricy to its full limit. for years now I made to believe that my father as a communist was a bad bad man. (I didn’t believe this for a second) but in order to survive the corruption going on in many countries I had to play the game.
I support the communist idea, i think it is great if we all together are in it fully then the system will work perfect but unfortunately we have the politicians who are corrupt to the bone taking the piss of everyone. We on the other hand willingly put them in power .
So my father was a bad man communist we fought the civil war in Greece and as we know it communist kill lots of greek men right or wrong i can’t say this i am against murder or death or violence, as action to the communist party i will say it is wrong.
But what makes a man to kill another man?
Corruption withing the political system in the country , poverty and etc whatever leads to civil war i guess a man needs to protect the family. The bad thing with my father was during the war he found two barrels of gold and as a communist true communist will do he gave everything to the communist part which he believed and trust.
As return the party have done nothing for him they didn’t even offer him a job , my father was a hard worker he use to do any job to survive, his hosting skills are the ones i fully practise today he teach me how importand friends are in our lives and to be hospitable.
However i never liked him as a child I was watching his doings which they re completely different from his teachings so U was always asking myself WHY? To e my father was and abusive violent husband , he treated my mother very bad and i was wondering if he ever loved her.
On the other hand he left his family to follow my mother to her hometown and that indicates to me some loving feelings. Why he turn up to be the monster that i knew? He use to call my mother names like a Whore, A Slut, A Bitch and more to follow. Where all this hate came from?
On the other hand my mother was hard working woman was a fact she was in love with my father but i didn’t take to the account she was also a young teenage girl and later i found out she was a little wild at heart.
She loved to party a little she was going out with friends a lot, she like travel a lot and she met my father outside my home town to another county called Drama. What she was doing there i do not know but back in early and during the secnd world war to travel was unusual, not for my mother.
I had some answers to all my questions when finally last night with a conversation came up the story that my mother did cheat to my father with another man. and that is perfect normal to me. i never believe in monogamy as animals we are we love to have sex , sex is animal instinct we fuck around and sometimes we do not even know why are we doing it.
I see sex as part of life in fact I will think of someone been weird if they do not have sex. Sex is fun it is something that we practise on every day life. And of course i do not blame my mother fucking with another man but i do blame the stupid christianity society we live in, it is full of hypocrites and hypocracy.
They are stupid enough to come down with laws and rules about our lives. Who the fuck is Moses or Jesus to tell me how do I live my life? I am who I am you are who you are. Because two people on any sex they decide to live together and share their lives together that means life including sex, sadness, hapiness etc.
But the church make it harder and oppose marriage, why two people have to get married to share their lives? Apart from the obvious tax reasons i can’t see the benefit of marriage. But according to Jesus not payong taxes it is against God’s will. So it doesn’t make sense to me why two Christians get married in order to pay less taxes and let’s face it we are all doing it , be honest.
So we have Chistians going against God’s words and does this make them trustful? NO they are all hypocrites but theses are the people who add titles to our society , they call a woman Slut because she has sex with more than one man.
And what is wrong with that? we surounded by people with lies and stupid laws they create but they do not obbey. They tell us what is right and what is wrong while they are doing exactly the opposite. Our democracy has been compromised by men who have power and abuse it.
We are living in hell while hell is been created by them. they rape girls and destroy families while they are pointing their finger to somebody else. They think they are superior because of their skin colour little that they know they are exactly the same as them.
They create words like racism and homophobia and pedophile while they practising those words. The judge who will send someone to jail because of a crime he didn’t commit but they are doing so to cover their acts.
The same people add the label on my mother so the shame was too big to handle and my father shameful as he was he became alcoholic and turned violent towards my mother. Picture this.
The town you live in is not yours you have no family here apart from the woman you re in love with. She cheated on you, you are well known as a communist and there for second class cituzen, You have nowhere else to go but here what are your chances of survival without been damaged psychologicly, and what your future will look like.
The woman you re in love with has cheated on you and knowing my father now he was a very deep gfamily man there for his ego is below zero family has betray him and to turn against the society who let him down start punishing the person he most loved. My mother.
Do you blame him? When I didn’t know that yes i did blame him now i feel as if I owe him an Apology. I wish i could turn back time my life will be different much different that it is today. My hate for y father was far too big to understand him or forgive him.
To me my mother wasa victim and she suffered now I also look back and i do understand why she didn’t wanna leave him and why she was still in love with him. She knew she went wrong but couldn’t open her mouth to admit it. How many times she told me that she was worried about him and i couldn’t understand why she still is worried about him?
After 57 years i finally found the truth some things make more sense now for years I was punished everyone but my mother and she should share the blame. She was not an honest woman after all but do I blame her? NO I blame the world we are living in,
I blame the courts and the justice system which gives unlimited power to worthless men whom they dare to call themselves men they are not even humans. because of them my parents life has been destroyed and my life has too my sisters and my brothers and any sisters or brothers out there they had to suffer the same.
I know I am angry and i may overthinking things and many times by overthinking I say the wrong things and misjudge things but in the moment of my anger I also go over the top and say things I shouldn’t have but instead of keeping them inside I rather say things and let them out instead of keeping them in.
Today I feel even better about it at the end of the day we are all humans we all have faults and goods and we are all have our weak and strong points that is what makes us unique in many ways. bottom line is I realise I believed in something or someone and after years once more I realse I have been made to believe different.
I grew up believing on something which end up to be something else and maybe my life would have been different than it is now if I was not so hateful towards my father maybe the choices I made oud have been different and my life will be not the one i am living now.
But so far my life is all about my choices and I have made many good ones and many bad choices and I end to be the man I am today, unfortunately I can’t change time or change who i am I can alter my life from now on thinking different than before nomuch but a small change can bring big changes.