Three months of dating a guy may not seem like a long time, but for some of us, it’s the longest relationship we’ve ever had. So if you find yourself in that category, asking yourself, "Why can’t I seem to have a boyfriend longer than a few months?" then this article and (10 reasons) are for you!
You get excited by the idea of him
When you haven’t had a boyfriend for a while (or ever), you begin to romanticize the idea of a boyfriend. When you do this, you often view the guys you're dating with rose-colored lenses. You blissfully ignore all the ways the two of you are incompatible. Eventually, the guy you’re dating realizes it and breaks up with you. You're then left feeling dumbfounded because you (naively) believed you two were perfect for one another.
You’re unsure of what you want in the relationship
I’m imagining that scene in The Notebook where Ryan Gosling yells at Rachel McAdams repeatedly asking, "What do you want?!" I wish someone shouted this at me this when I was younger.
Sometimes we claim we want a relationship but haven’t thought through anything past that. What do you want out of the relationship? How much can you give? What do you prioritize in a relationship?
When is it too much? While you don’t have to answer all these questions before meeting someone, you should be able to answer them within a few weeks of dating.
The sex fizzles out and you realize you’re not compatible
My guncle (gay uncle) once told me that you have no idea if you actually like a guy if the sex is great. He says it takes six months to realize that there’s actually nothing more substantial to the relationship than boning.
You’re not ready for a long-term relationship
This isn’t a read. It’s simply a fact that some guys aren’t ready for a long-term relationship. They’re too focused on their career. They’re not over their ex. They’re not over some past trauma. They’re too consumed with themselves to care and love for someone else. If that's the case, you shouldn't be dating.
You’re not the monogamous-type
It could be as simple as you’re not the monogamous type. By repeatedly attempting monogamy, it’s like you’re trying to shove a square peg into a circular hole. Maybe it’s time to find another relationship style that works best for you (and your partners).
You’re unwilling to accept different baseline needs
I was recently at a sexpo called Consider This, by Curious Fox. One of the speakers there, who was a licensed therapist, said she hates the idea of compromise. The way she put it, neither of you get what you want when you compromise, and for some reason, that’s considered a success!
What she said is that you need to accept the fact that you have different baseline needs, and you shouldn't try to change that about the person you're dating. If your baseline needs are incredibly far off, it’s probably a sign that you shouldn’t be dating (or your relationship is going to require a lot of additional work).
You didn’t delete the apps...
Grindr is addictive (we all know that). But if we’re really trying to commit to a guy we like, we need to get off the apps so we’re not distracted by other guys.
You struggle with vulnerability
I mean, who doesn’t? Am I right? I struggle with it. Everyone I’ve dated struggles with it. Being vulnerable is hard–really hard–but at some point in your relationship you’re going to have to take the risk of showing your true self.
You struggle with communication
Urgh, not to be that guy, but communication is so damn important. I’d say that at least half of all problems within relationships stem from miscommunication.
Something that could have easily been avoided if you and your man were on the same page. So learn how to communicate effectively with your partner.
You have unrealistic standards of how a relationship should look
Marriage counselors have repeatedly claimed how detrimental it is to a relationship to believe that one person should satisfy every one of your needs.
No one can do that! You need to have other friends, hobbies, and outlets to get your needs met from various people and experiences.
We’re all sex monsters.
We are first and foremost men, which means most of our libidos run high, but then add to the equation the fact that we’re dating other men, and bam. I don’t care who you are, or how you identify yourself (Bear, Twink, Jock, Daddy, etc), we’re all constantly horny.
It literally is scientifically driven due to the fact that we have testosterone pumping through our bodies.
Add to the fact that our culture is obsessed with imagery and sex, and it becomes almost impossible to escape thoughts of sex. Even if you’re able to find yourself not so wound up, there’s a good chance your gym, your job, your night out, or whatever is going to make you want to do what men are programmed to do, and spill your seed.
Sex is easy
Going one step deeper into the conversation about gay men and sex, we have to acknowledge how easy it is to find sex.
With “dating” app culture running amok, gay men by far have the easiest outlets to look for sex. Add to the fact that when we go to gay bars, almost everyone in that room is a possible partner in some way, and our chances are doubled. This isn’t the case for our straight counterparts.
Additionally, many of us grew up insecure and full of shame, so part of coming out is feeling sexually liberated. However, we often mistake the ease and casualness of the sex we can, and do have, as something other than what it really is.
We’re looking to fulfill a void within ourselves with a physical pleasure that does in fact feel good, but often doesn’t lead to the substance we crave in a juxtapositional way.
We say we want one thing, but really want another.
Continuing the conversation from the last point, we often are beyond indecisive about what it is that we really want.
Being gay is confusing. There’s no right or wrong way to be gay. However, we have to find out what we want on our own because we don’t grow up in a predominantly gay world.
Once we break the norm, and find comfortability within our own sexuality, everything else is up for debate. Who do we want to be? Who do we want to date? Do we want to get married? Do we want kids? Do we want to be monogamous?
All the “normal” expectations of our straight counterparts are a lot less expected, and we find ourselves craving the single life one day, and looking for the love of our life the next. Who, if we do meet, we most likely end up sleeping with, and confusing the relationship further. Revert back to points 1 and 2.
It’s a vicious cycle, and truly causes so many dating problems. Thus it’s beyond difficult to meet someone we’re attracted to in every way, and keep our pants on. It’s totally possible, but the thought always is, “why would we?”
We have very deep scars.
As gay men we grow up hiding parts of ourselves because gay still is considered different, and in a lot of places, bad.
We feel like we have to hide a part of ourselves everyday for many formative years, which means we are neglecting other parts of ourselves that should be receiving precious energy. So when we finally do come out, we often confuse this as dealing with our issues, when in fact, this is just the beginning to dealing with what our issues really are.
It’s beyond hard to be vulnerable with someone else, especially when so many of us are uncomfortable with being vulnerable with ourselves. Admitting that life isn’t peaches and cream isn’t fun, but the less honest we are with ourselves, the more guarded we become, and the more we keep our walls up.
Our insecurity is beyond high from all the shame we felt growing up, and even after we’ve dealt with it, it feels all too real when we are hurt again in the dating process.
We go through a second adolescence
Because we held back from being authentically ourselves for most of our adolescence and the beginning of our adult lives, we get a chance to do it all over when we come out. We get to test new waters, try new things, and explore a whole new world full of men, sex, drugs, alcohol, and it’s dangerous.
When we partake in all of these new things, we’re at an age when we have disposable incomes. We aren’t being monitored by our parents, and we have the world at our fingertips.
The cherry on top of all of this, is that this usually happens in a big city, or at least some place bigger than the hometown we grew up in, where excess is welcomed.
It’s very easy to get sucked into all the fun, excess, and fabulousness that this new stage offers. The question is, when is enough enough? It’s an age old tale that too many men get sucked into this world, and never come out.
This is also why it’s known as the “Peter Pan Syndrome” unofficially.
Timing is everything.
If we are lucky enough to find this mythical ten than it’s usually because he was just recently set free from his last relationship. Men like this aren’t single for long.
While this sounds great, it usually means that he’s going to be feeling insecure, and needing to go through his own version of realizing how hard dating is again.
Even if we’re ready to date, and we’ve found ourselves maturing past a lot of these points that doesn’t mean that Mr. Dreamboat is ready. His ego is hurt. He needs to rediscover himself, and prove that he is desirable to not only you, but many men, and unless you’re willing to feel a little hurt and wait, Mr. Dreamboat wasn’t the ten you thought he was.
Add to the fact that gays often date with the seasons, and half the year is either thought of as warm single, and often slutty season, or as a cold cuddling more relationship based time of the year.
We forget that we are still animals, and like our furry friends, our bodies change with the tides and seasons in a very natural way. However, gay men are quick to use the seasons as an excuse to why we are “allowed” to behave in certain ways.
There isn’t pressure to be coupled up
As men we don’t have a ticking biological clock, so being single isn’t as frowned upon as in the straight world. The pressure to partner up isn’t as paramount, and we’re ok being a certain age and single.
We aren’t definitely going to have kids, which is why most heterosexual people start to couple up and settle down. And even today straight couples are waiting longer and longer to have children.
However, even when we do couple up, the way in which we operate as couples is quite different than straight couples. The concept of monogamy isn’t a given, and just because you want to be in a relationship in a certain way doesn’t mean your partner is going to want the same things long term.
Add to the fact that a lot of our friends are single, and it becomes almost more normal to be single in the gay world than in a healthy relationship. We even joke that gay years are like dog years for relationships.
And for better or worse, the second something starts to go sour, we have reminders that there are men everywhere. We don’t have a lot of the commitments locking us in to relationships like straight couples do, and our single friends without even realizing it exemplify the lives we could be living.
We are afraid of commitment.
Getting married wasn’t an option for our community until very recently, so commitment from a legal standpoint was actually far from a lot of our minds. This in some subconscious way made us less serious when it came to dating.
Now that we can get married more and more of us are starting to think longer term, and if something isn’t clicking we jump ship, and don’t even try to see if we can work things out.
It’s easier to just keep reverting back to all the other points that making dating hard than it is to try and work on something with someone we thought we really liked.
Dating is hard, being in a couple is hard, but it shouldn’t be this hard, right? We let our minds drift, we make assumptions, and half the time we aren’t even communicating how we are feeling with our partners.
The fact that we also can’t stop looking for the next best thing doesn’t help, and only perpetuates the lack of commitment in the gay community.
M I Ro
photos by pixabay.com
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